sorry for so many blogs in such a short period of time.

So many highs and lows today. It could have been a great day, but it wasn't because of the lows.

But that being said, I just got a decent amount of dialog scripted for my play. I mean, its pretty crappy but it's the roughest of the rough drafts so that's a start. Yay progress.

I'm going to ignore the bad and the shitty and focus on what was good about today. Using my gift certificate to get some awesome stuff at shatzi. I love that store. I got a great green pea coat for spring, an awesome biker jacket that looks great and not poser-ish Yay, a cute hat, and we won't talk about the gloves. And I saw Hair and it was fun, Hair always makes me happy. Yay letting the sunshine in. Oh and had dinner with pesnki and her coworkers that was fun, love spending time with friends and meeting new people. and yay i got stuff done on the play. Happy vibes, come on, you're there, I know it.

Keep it Positive

okay. Time to start staying positive. STOP THE BITCHING AND MOANING NOW.

Okay, done.

seven things I'm looking forward to:

1. My 21st Birthday :-)

2. Chad coming to visit

3. Seeing Johnny play at the rockwood (and being legal for it!)

4. Going to mostly sondheim

5. Heading back to the cuse after being away for 8 months

6. final (double) voice lesson before i head back

7. having my own room in the cuse and a kitchen, and not living in doors business

that didn't really make me feel better, what's wrong with me?

Now I'm complaining about complaining too much.

I looked recently at my old xanga again and I was bantering on about some of the exact same stuff I still ramble on about today. Have I really not changed that much since highschool? that can't be true.

Like looking back (and I'll post a few in a sec) why must I always be so damn self-loathing and self-pitying. My life really isn't that bad, hell I know that! then change, amelia I keep trying to tell myself, but change is hard for me, it always has been. I'm in for a massive change though... I have to be. I've yearned to change for so long. I like stuff about myself, but overall I'm not happy with myself. I need to learn to be, I guess.

April 1, 2008: I need to learn how to not be paranoid and not think so much.

it;s really something that I need to work on.
le sigh.

yup, still need work in that department...

August 26, 2007: I deleted him off my buddy list. Done. Goodbye. Never again. WHAT??? gone.

Whoever that was (and I think I have a pretty good idea who it may have been) I am sure a few weeks later I un-gotover him, added him back on my buddy list bc I figured seeing his name would be better than constantly wondering if he's online. fuck. I still do that.

May 25, 2007: i miss having friends...

not that they were real friends anyway.

There we go with the self loathing again

blah... well new birthday, new semester, new beginnings... none of this winging business anymore.

I'd also like to say 2006 was a great year. wish i could "find a way back to then"

thats a lot of blogs

This is my 120th blog post... I wonder how many of these are filled with stupid crap, and angry rants. I think its time to invite more happiness into my life. More peacefulness, more calm, more achievement. I don't know. I'm sick of complaining but its of a comfort zone for me. I've always done it. It's easy and convenient. I guess in some ways I'm a sub-conscious self masochist. I like to make myself feel bad about shit because its comfortable there, its easy to do. Probably why I always go for the asshole boys who don't treat me the way I know I deserve. It's like I oddly like it and I oddly like complaining about it. I'm probably disposing too much personal information, but I had to get it out.

It's time for change. I just don't know how to change. I have the desire to change but not the motivation. fuck.

frustration

The fact that I can't think of a story to tell tortures me.

I have characters, themes, a voice, set ideas, hell I even have plot twists... I JUST NEED A FREAKING PLOT!!

inspiration, where have you gone??

ha

well that's one person who I will never, ever, let hurt me again. I may be down on myself sometimes but I KNOW i deserve better than that.

okay done ranting.

productivish day.

FLASHBACK

haha i have not done stupid surveys in a REALLY long time, but i figured I filled this one out right before 2006 so its about this time of year and it'd be funny to take a look at what i said then and what i would say now.

In 2005 did you... In 2009

1) Get drunk? yes definitely

2) Get high? drugs are bad drugs are bad

3) Learn something new about your self? yes yes

5) Leave the country? no yes

8) Break a promise? probably not that i can recall

9) Done something you would never do & enjoy it? i guess, maybe. I'd say so

10) Go to a concert? yes yup

11) Meet someone who is now a best friend? Well I already knew the people but yeah i guess so definitely

12) Keep a secret? yes probably

13) Lose someone close to you? no I don't think so

14) Go to a funeral? no no

15) Lie to your parents? sure most likely

16) Sneak out of your house? Does the bunk count? haha I couldn't sneak out of my hosue if i wanted to, where do you think I get my insomnia from anyway? I've never done that.

17) Get arrested? no. no, but i was questioned by the police for the first time when they thought we were breaking into a car... fun stuff.

18) Kiss in the rain(or snow)? No I wish though NO! I really want to though, this is ridiculous.

19) Made out with a stranger? "heh" yupp

20) Do something you said you would never do? yeah didn't they arleady ask that?


In 2005 what was your.. 2009

31) Favortie Movie? RENT!!! duhhh Oh man, well it was at the very end of 2009 but I guess I would say Fight Club, it's a new favorite! As is Goodwill Hunting.

32) Favortie Song? tfor the majority of it I'd say "here comes the sun" but thats before rent came out Definitely I'm Yours

33) Favortie Band? The Beatles, The Stones The Spring Standards, and still the Beatles.

34) Favortie Artist? Maureen? Oh man, that was a pathetic answer. Definitely Jason Mraz

35) Best Holiday? I had a good birthday, um July 4th was good, just cuz it was at camp lol, New Years was fun too. I don't know!! I can't remember what I did for New Years last year. Or for my birthday... haha wow this is sad.

36) Best Memory? Camp, hello. Wow, cool answer Amelia. I can't pick just one! though there were some great ones in London.

37) Favortie TV show? FAMILY GUY. Glee!!

38) Most missed memory? summer idk

39) Worst memory? Just getting over some crazy shit some other stuff in london, or dealing with stupid assholes.

Name 5 ups of 2005.

40) CAMP Becoming Friends with Nicole
41) The Country Wife lots of fun APO memories
42) Camp Reunions going abroad to London
43) The Trench getting to travel to all sorts of awesome places
44) some certain people stuff

Name 5 downs of 2005.

45) Fights with friends accidently having a really bad experience with something
46) pretentious asshole #1 people taking advantage of me
47) pretentious asshole #2 I don't even know... why would I want to think about the bad things??
48) I really didnt like the vietnam symposium
49) falling behind in work

50) Did you enjoy your year? yeah i guess, I';m glad it happened, it led to what will hopefully be a great year this year
2009 was a great year, but let's make 2010 be the best one ever!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006!

Who did you spend New Years Eve with? zain, marina, liam, holland, katherine, bennett, alex klausner, muneki, chris, tiana, tony, pierre, tehmur, jewfry, ava, odetta, mell brody, matt Foster, raffi, etc. Lots of amazing people at Joe's Pub, though that was after New Years

Where did you sleep? at home at home, but barely

What time did you fall asleep? 3ish 5:45am?

Were you drunk? mm yeah let's just say i forgot how strong Joe's Pubs drinks are

Did you do any drugs? no, unless you count alcohol, then yes ditto

Who gave you first kiss of 2006? your mom no one yet

What were you drinking when The Ball dropped? champagne nothing, i was getting out of the subway, but right before that baileys and right after vodka cranberry

What did you do after The Ball dropped? toasted tried to find Joe's Pub

What was the highlight of the night? Not one specific it was just a lot of fun James Rado's Boyfriend trying to grind with me. that was also the worst part

How many parties did you go to? one one

Did you have sex? on new years? no. no

Would you change anything about New Years Eve? very slight things a bunch of things, but overall it went well

Any regrets in 2005? Well there were things I seriously regretted at the time and the week/month to come but now, no not really plenty

What is your new years resolution? I dont make these see previous entries.

not a failure, just a glitch in the system.

so... i kind of took a cab today because i was running really late, but then to make up for that I walked home from times square, which is about 4 miles. Bleh. Oh well, that just leads me to another resolution-y thing. DON'T BE LATE!! the thing is, I want more than a resolution, the reason resolutions always fail is because they're missing a plan. I haven't figured out what my plan is to not be late yet so I'll wait on that.

But number 4 for now is a biggie... NO MORE GOSSIP. No talking shit, not spreading rumors, none of that. I will not say negative things about people to others unless they really, really, really, really, really, really deserve it. What does it solve? Nothing. Yay. Resolution. Don't talk shit. And don't complain either. No one likes negative people. be happy and talk about happy things. Yay happiness.

MORE more more

Here are some of my RIGHT NOW RESOLUTIONS!!!

1. NO MORE TAXIS. No. They are expensive and stupid. For the rest of break, I will only take a cab if it is absolutely vital to my safety or well being. Otherwise, you've got a Metrocard, Amelia, use it! Ooh, or Walk if its not negative 600 degrees. there's a novel idea!!

2. No more coffee. No grande tripple expresso shot sugar-free-vanilla soy lattes. None of that. It's all about the tea.

3. Well, this is going to take place at school but I guess I can get into the habit now. This is gonna be hard to stick to, really hard. But I want to set aside an hour every single day to do work. I'm going to be soooo busy especially if i do get a job (crossies) and with all my extra-curriculars on top of the insane workload. (Not to mention, I want to be social and party, sorry, I do.) So if I have a scheduled time where I must sit down and do work that would be useful. Like I'll put it in my planner and I can always "reschedule it" but it must be done, every day, one hour at least. If I'm done with work, get ahead. So over break I can spend that time working on my play. Okay maybe EVERY DAY is too extreme, but let's say 5 times a week. I'll give myself thursdays off because it's the end of the week the last thing I'm going to want to think about is homework. But I think its a good idea at any rate and a great habit to get into.

resolute.

I'm going to be honest, I've never been big on resolutions. I'm not sure why, I guess I just can never take them seriously, I try, but I never follow through. Plus I always feel like its so arbitrary, like what's the point of saying in November or December, "In 2010 I'm going to get into to shape and eat healthy" like... if you want to get into shape and eat healthy, why not start now?

I don't know. Okay this is going to sound weird, I'm not sure if I mentioned on here, but I had a reading done in London, which is something I've always wanted to do. (Actually, I'm pretty sure I did talk about it, but I guess I can repeat the part that's relevant to this) He talked about ridding myself of all the negative energy and negative people around me before the age of 21. 21 is a multiple of seven so it is an important birthday, and I need to clear myself of everything so the next seven years can go as smoothly as possible.

So I know New Years is a couple days away, but why not start right now? What can I do to enter into my 21st year (i guess I get a 2 week extension on New Years?) feeling good and feeling happy and positive?

Well I've been taking dance, but honestly I think I won't anymore, at least not at BDC. I like the class, love the teachers, love the studio, but there are a lot of people in the dance classes that make me feel negative. They come in with their perfect bodies, perfect flexibility, perfect balance, perfect coordination, and perfectly competitive and bitchy attitudes. And it's like... dude this is a "BASIC LEVEL CLASS" that's less than BEGINNER LEVEL!! Are they just there to show off? I don't get it. Either way it makes me feel bad about myself and I don't need that, I need to be clear of that. I do like their other classes though, I took this thing called "Gyrokenesis" I don't even know how to describe it was kind of like this rythmic yoga thing, but it was awesome, I could more or less follow, I don't think there were any stupid bitches in the class, and the teacher was amazing. I should start swimming again too. hmm...

money. I need to stop spending so much freaking money. I mean, most of it is on worthwhile things, but still, I can't just throw everything I've got to the Broadway stage, though at least its going to the arts and not like... I don't know, crack or something, right? But yeah, once I see everything I want to see, and maybe HAIR one or two more times then I need to chill. There is so much else ot do in the city, I don't need to be in Times Square every single night. I need to start looking for a job, too. I guess I can't really get one before I turn 21, but I can try to start looking, I mean, I really can't go much further than campus and marshall street since I don't have a car or anything, but hopefully there's something available. I reallllly want to work at starbucks!! But back to the resolutions thing. Instead of saying "when i go back to syracuse I'm going to stop spending so much money" I'm going to say right now, "I am going to stop spending so much money NOW." Stop it, Amelia.

Creativity. Now that I'm going to be seeing shows less often, I really should take the time to read, catch up on these films, Oh, and WRITE MY PLAY!! How great would that be if I could enter into my 21st year having a decent amount written of this play. That would be great. I also haven't made real art in a while, I should definitely keep up at it. I like taking voice lessons, but I may need to save some of that money. Same goes for guitar. meh.

No more putting shit into my body!! I haven't really drank much alcohol since London, so that's good, time to cleanse and all, right? I've also mostly switched from coffee to tea, though I suppose decaf tea would be even better. But hey, its a start. I just need to not eat junk food. cheese is bad, but it's so damn good. ah.. well we're working on it. and by we, I mean me. But you know, I'm not like going to deprive myself.

The Chroni-what-cles of Melia

I'm going to copy Frankie and Chronicle my vacation:

Films Seen:

Funny People (on the plane)

Nine (In theatres, with Stef and Andrew)

Fight Club

Blow

Good Will Hunting

Requiem for a Dream

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Shawshank Redemption

A Clockwork Orange

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Avatar

Broken Embraces

Plays Seen:

HAIR - 12/18

HAIR - 12/19

Race - 12/23

HAIR - 12/24

Memphis - 12/26

Fela! - 12/26

Next to Normal - 12/29

Ragtime 12/30

Superior Donuts - 1/2

In the Heights 1/5

In the Next Room 1/8

Hair 1/9

Hair 1/13

Finian's Rainbow 1/13

In the Heights 1/14

Concerts Attended:

Jason Mraz and The Broadway Inspirational Voice at Feinstein's

2010: An Equality Odyssey at Joe's Pub

FLS at Ars Nova

Johnny Gallagher at the Rockwood

Mostly Sondheim at the Duplex

Lessons and classes:

Pilates 12/21

Voice - 12/21

AI Flexibility - 12/23

Gyrokinesis - 12/28

Basic Broadway Jazz - 12/29

Voice - 12/30

Basic Broadway Jazz - 12/31

Guitar - 1/3

Voice 1/7

Double Voice 1/11

Currently Reading: Beloved - Toni Morrison

and - The Three Uses of the Knife - David Mamet

sleep

I know a quieter New York. A New York where the only sound is the tap of your soles on the slushy winter pavement and the rustle of your double bagged over priced groceries against your thigh. I know a quieter New York where the engines and skidding tires and sirens and crowds are far out in the distance. I know a quieter New York where the "cheap colored lights" are dangled sporadically on the fire escapes of brown stones and on the high, high, windows of the taller buildings intertwined. I know a quieter New York where you don't need to wait for the traffic sign to change because the nearest yellow cab is miles and miles away. I know a quieter New York where the wind slashes your face so brutally that you're forced to take a deep breath and remember just how much you love this place. I know a quieter New York, where I could walk for miles and mile and always stay calm. My New York.

blahg

i used to love blogging, but now i honestly find it such a hassle and so... well, contrived. I don't know. I think I loved it back in the day on Xanga when EVERYONE had a xanga, and if you didn't have a xanga, you had a live journal.... and everyone READ everyone's xanga. REALLY read, commented, was interested, couldn't wait for their friends to write the next post, actively took silly quizzes and surveys, I don't know... the whole xanga community thing just worked...

But that's all died. No one reads anyone else's blog anymore, at least I don't think so. It just seems like they skim through and leave comments in hopes that the favor will be returned. Hell, I'm guilty of that from time to time. I don't know, I guess I just like to know that I have readers and that they care what I have to say, because otherwise what's the point of a blog, right? If I wanted to write to just myself I would do that in my journal.

I don't know, I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, i just feel like we've ventured far out into a world of apathy.

i need...

to start writing a play. I'm taking playwriting next semester and I need to get started now, I don't want to come into that class empty handed and with nothing.

So why am I drawing this blank? For someone who considers "passion" to be one of her greatest attributes and someone who constantly feels compelled to write, and unstoppable urge... why can I think of nothing? Themes and Concepts are sort of floating around the air, brushing me by and waiting to be grabbed, but characters and plot lines are just galaxies away from me.

What do I care about? What do I want to write about? No... what do I need to write about? That's it, that's when you know. A friend, a musician, singer/songwriter, asked recently for suggestions for his next song. I gave him a few ideas but then said, "But at the end of the day, with songwriting like any other writing others can only inspire you because passion is the only thing that will help you write or it will just sound random and contrived. I'm sure you've had this feeling before... when there is something you NEED to write about, you will know."

So I hold myself to that too... I guess I just hope I find something that I NEED to write about soon. I hope I find inspiration soon.

That being said I have a few ideas, I just don't know where I'm going with them: Obsession, that's a big one. I really want to write about obsession. Compassion, Independence, Connection. Yes, Connection. Connection, the hurt of disconnection, potentially leading to obsession or perhaps independence

My "creative non-fiction" professor this semester told us that the one thing that will make our pieces better is research. I need to research, learn more, discover.

It's gonna be a long road, but I'm willing to take the hike and hopefully build some stronger muscles along the way, after tackling the harder uphill climbs.

mraz-tastic

I wish my blog was as cool as Jason Mraz's blog. Well, let's be honest here, I wish i was as cool as Jason Mraz. He always has something important to say. His mind just works in such an interesting, beautiful way, his observations just really make you think. I'm much too lazy to write anything cool ever. I like his grip on life. I like his talent. I can't wait to finally see him perform live in exactly a week. I really, really, really hope I get to meet him!!

I'm reading "He's just not that into you" I don't know if I find it helpful or not yet. I need a good slap in the face so i guess it's kind of up to me to take it as such? Either way, its very truthful, kind of interesting, and definitely entertaining. Boys are assholes. Sorry boys, some of you are okay. I'm just over it.

London... 3 more days, freaking nuts. I can't believe its so close to being done. I'm definitely going to miss it a lot. I just hope that I don't regret anything, I'm really trying my best to make the most of it here.

well... on to studying for my one last final, which is on wednesday, perhaps I will come back later with something cool and intelligent to say... jason mraz style.

...

so much work, and in pain. no fun.

That being said, here are some things that make me smile.

Hot chocolate.

Freshly fallen snow, in NYC.

New York City.

Hugs.

Stuffed animals.

Puppies.

Friends.

Ice skating.

Smiles.

Compassion.

Caring.

Understanding.

Thoughtful advice.

Connections.

NOT the christmas songs that Starbucks is currently playing on repeat, it may be time to whip out the headphones soon.

music.

musicals.

plays.

books.

naps.

sleep.

thansgiving

we don't have that here :-(

soaring, flying

So i had a revelation on a swing today. I went for a run in Regents Park (shocking, I know!) and I came across a playground. And surprisingly enough this one didn't have a security guard in front of it requiring you to have a child with you if you're going inside.

I love swings, so naturally I decided to go on one, I mean I was by myself so who's judging? It's not like there was anyone on them. I like swings because you can really just let go. And it was on this swing that I realized swings are a metaphor of life. Or at the very least some challenge or another (for example, oh I don't know, running!)

In order to get up in the air, you need a lift. Sure, someone can push you, but when you're my age and height, you're pretty capable of doing it by yourself. The harder you push yourself off the ground, the higher you will fly. And the higher you get the easier the work is, by the time you've reached the top you don't even realize that you're working anymore even though your legs are still kicking. But be careful! If you try to swing too high you'll fall off and break your neck!

anyway, I thought that was cute or something.

me

I've been thinking a lot about change, about self, about personality. In an imaginary dialogue (I have those a lot) with an old friend, I said to him, "you know, I've changed a lot since you last saw me, I'm not the same girl I was in 8th grade." But even though I've changed, I'm still "me." But who am I? and how exactly have I changed?

Well for one thing I've become more confident, less sensitive, less prude, more artistic, less religious, more spiritual, less of a pushover, less naive, a little more critical, less optimistic, more realistic, less materialistic, more adventurous.

But I'm still generous, I still think of others before myself, I'm still really quirky, still passionate, still paranoid (though I'm hoping that one isn't innate and can change.)

The other day, I put these thoughts to the test. I saw on mediabistro.com an event in London, Schmooze and Booze, a networking happy hour at a bar in shoredich for journalists ad PR reps. I went alone, not knowing a soul, not knowing what to expect and had an amazing time. I met tons of people, had a few drinks, just was completely myself. Because what did I have to lose? I was never going to see these people again! I would love to do stuff like that more often.

Livuhpool

-wrote this on the bus back-

Had a really awesome time, went to the local pub with Tina, Karina, Jocie, Fiona, and Becca. Watched a bit of Final Destination 2 but got creeped out and went to bed.

The next day Tina took me around the Liverpool center. I bought an awesome shirt at Dorothy Perkins, some makeup, wings, and red haiirspray for my costume (dark angel)

Then we went down to Matthew Street aka Beatles Central and saw "The Cavern Club" which is where the Beatles got their start, and all sorts of other cool places.

We got ready at Karina's. Jocie, Becky, Snookie, Tom, and Sophie came over too. IT was really great to see everyone!

The reunion was fun, corky had lots of food, which I ate way too much of, but whateber, it was good. lots of drinking, catching up, snookie played us some songs, which is always awesome. The singing and Cheering wah-0nee style was definithe the best part. It was really nice to see everyone again, and I feel like Halloween was the perfect occasion to do so. Corky's dad was quite the character too. Only in Liverpool.

I slept on an enourmous orange stuffed fish, as a mattress... sexy.

Hung out with Karina for a while on Sunday w/ Sophie too, which was really nice. And on the way back we passed Penny lane, which obviously made me really happy.

Now I have a six million hour bus ride home woohoo. Love that I can call London "home."

alrighty then

I've been working on a few blog posts (on paper) and i realized that I do not need to write about every single little detail about every single trip but an overview and highlights is probably less boredom inducing and more importantly (since this is my blog so i can be a little selfish) a hell of a lot less strenuous to write.

That being said, The rest of Berlin, Paris, Nice, and Liverpool updates are soon to come but now what I do best... a blog on thoughts.

So the semester is already more than 1/2 way through, which is quite scary actually, and a bit sad. I've been trying to take as much advantage as I can of being here. I want to travel a lot because I never have before and there are so many places that I want to see, but I don't want to go home thinking "I can't believe I didn't do [such and such] while I was living in London for 4 months." So right now is really about taking advantage of everything.

That being said, I came to London wanting to change, I wanted to come home having changed for the better in lots of different ways. So midway through I ask myself, well? have I changed? What has this experience done for me? Is there room in the few weeks I have left for further self-improvement? Is it possible to have gotten nothing out of it besides a good time? Hell, i pray Emerson was wrong on that one.

My guess is there's no way to know until I get home and the best bet is to use the little time I have left to motivate myself to strive further.

I do know one thing though, I think the travelling and little tid bits of facts here and there have really increased my curiosity. There is so much that I want to learn, so much that I want to know.

I want to learn how speak french fluently.
I want to know more about WWII, fascism, and the holocaust.
I want to know more about the History of the Beatles.
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I want to learn to cook better.

I want to learn more about my heritage and genealogy.

I want to learn about holistic medicine.

I want to learn massage therapy.

I want to know more about theatre.
I don't know, those are just the first random things I could think of off the top of my head.

And so much I want to do and see. and be.
I have developed a yearning for learning. (I'm sorry, I just had to put the corny rhyme in there)