as if you needed more reasons to love jason mraz...

This quote from his blog fits nicely with my latest blog, yes?

"Today I invite you to give your time or attention to a person or a cause that would love to have you. (Grandma’s are a great start.)

Get clear or complete with someone today. Who or what have you been avoiding that has been costing you power? Call or visit with that person and let them know what’s on your mind simply as an act of love. See the real value in that person, even if that person’s only role has been to test your patience. Acknowledge that person for having done a great job. We are here NOW. Therefore, the past has been played out perfectly! It’s a win-win. So drop the grudge. Try on compassion, and feel that courage is a triumph of the soul! 

Another way to not be so stingy is to practice kindness to everyone today. Every check out clerk, restaurant staff, janitor, tollbooth attendant, teacher and police officer you pass. Give them your most sincere hello. You are alive today and so are they. Everyone deserves acknowledgement since this day is all there is."

And also, this video... I need to learn Spanish, coño!

2 steps forward

So recently I've been having little spurts of motivation. Well, I'm not sure if it's really motivation, its more like, getting myself back on to the plateau when I find myself falling as apposed to climbing further up the mountain. But either way, I suppose it's a good thing. Better than falling off completely. It's just recently when I feel myself getting lazy or losing desire to continue with something I just keep telling myself, "You have to work extremely hard to achieve any goal." And for some reason that has helped me, a lot. It just gives me that little push to keep going. 

I also am wondering about the people who have hurt me or who have made me struggle. I have about 4 in mind right now that I really think are responsible for creating the bitch I am becoming. And I don't mean bitch in a bad way. I'm not mean, I'm never mean, hell I can't be mean. The term bitch is more empowering if anything. It's sassy, it's fierce, it's forward and direct. The word bitch says, "I am an independent woman and I am going to fight for what I believe in." It's not a bad thing. But back on topic, I wonder about these people and maybe they were put in my life at this time for a reason. Maybe I need these people in my life to push all the wrong buttons and help me man up and grow. Maybe I need someone to really treat me like shit to help me see that I don't deserve to be treated like shit. Maybe I need someone to betray my trust to teach me that I should be more cautious. Maybe I need someone to ignore me to help me see that I don't deserve to be ignored. Or used. Or taken advantage of. Maybe this is paving the way to a better me and stronger, better, relationships for the future. 

Having hope is a glorious thing. I need to just stay in this mind set and get better. Right now I'm too elated and really too tired to get all existential about it. Because really that's what's been hurting, and I'm tired of hurting. An uphill climb may be a struggle, but it's worth it. It's always worth it. And it's always better than feeling nothing. 

I miss the mountains

There was a time when I flew higher,

Was a time the wild girl running free would be me

Now I see her, feel the fire

Now I know she needs me there to share 

I'm nowhere

All these blank and tranquil years

Seems they've dried up all my tears

And while she runs free and fast

Seems my wild days are past

But I miss the mountains

I miss the dizzy heights

All the manic magic days

And the dark depressing nights

I miss the mountains

I miss the highs and lows

All the climbing, all the falling

All the while the wild wind blows

Stinging you with snow

And soaking you with rain

I miss the mountains

I miss the pain

Mountains make you crazy

Here it's safe and sound

My mind is somewhere hazy

My feet are on the ground

Everything is balanced here

And on an even keel

Everything is perfect

Nothing's real

Nothing's real

And I miss the mountains

I miss lowly climb

Wandering through the wilderness

And spending all my time

Where the air is clear and cuts you like a knife

I miss the mountains

I, I miss the mountains

I miss my life

I miss my life

art is

my connection to reality

i know what i want... just not how to get it

I want someone who I can call just to tell him that I miss him and not have to worry about being awkward, or sounding like I'm too clingy... or desperate... Just an innocent remark. I want someone who I can call and say I miss and who will appreciate the call and tell me he misses me too. I want someone who will call me just to tell me he misses me. I want someone to miss me. 

Some people... are ALWAYS in relationships, I don't get it. They go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever.) I don't get it. Then there are some of us who feel like we're going to stay single forever. It's a horrible feeling, I don't recommend it. 

I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I want to be happy again. I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't like it and I don't know how to fix it. 

Perhaps that's why so many dumb miniscule problems seem to be a much bigger deal than they truly are, because they are occurring over a general unhappiness. A general blue. 

I want to change, but I don't feel the motivation. I hope I will change in London. For the better. I need to.