2 steps forward

So recently I've been having little spurts of motivation. Well, I'm not sure if it's really motivation, its more like, getting myself back on to the plateau when I find myself falling as apposed to climbing further up the mountain. But either way, I suppose it's a good thing. Better than falling off completely. It's just recently when I feel myself getting lazy or losing desire to continue with something I just keep telling myself, "You have to work extremely hard to achieve any goal." And for some reason that has helped me, a lot. It just gives me that little push to keep going. 

I also am wondering about the people who have hurt me or who have made me struggle. I have about 4 in mind right now that I really think are responsible for creating the bitch I am becoming. And I don't mean bitch in a bad way. I'm not mean, I'm never mean, hell I can't be mean. The term bitch is more empowering if anything. It's sassy, it's fierce, it's forward and direct. The word bitch says, "I am an independent woman and I am going to fight for what I believe in." It's not a bad thing. But back on topic, I wonder about these people and maybe they were put in my life at this time for a reason. Maybe I need these people in my life to push all the wrong buttons and help me man up and grow. Maybe I need someone to really treat me like shit to help me see that I don't deserve to be treated like shit. Maybe I need someone to betray my trust to teach me that I should be more cautious. Maybe I need someone to ignore me to help me see that I don't deserve to be ignored. Or used. Or taken advantage of. Maybe this is paving the way to a better me and stronger, better, relationships for the future. 

Having hope is a glorious thing. I need to just stay in this mind set and get better. Right now I'm too elated and really too tired to get all existential about it. Because really that's what's been hurting, and I'm tired of hurting. An uphill climb may be a struggle, but it's worth it. It's always worth it. And it's always better than feeling nothing.