:-(

gosh back in syracuse a mere few hours and i'm already bored. Ha. I miss my perfect city.

oh well, on the bright side my room is enormous, with a queen sized bed, and just mine. yay.

Being a New Yorker means feeling accomplished

Seriously, when I keep busy and run from place to place I actually feel very productive and its a good feeling. I love this city so much. I ride on the energy of it. It's the greatest rush anyone could ask for. And furthermore, it's home.

So I had a good 21st birthday and a great break.

I ended up seeing a total of 14 shows (which is where are my money went, apparently. That and voice lessons. But to be fair about the shows, only once did I pay above student/rush/lotto prices and $25 average for a decent - if not amazing - seat in a Broadway theatre for a great piece of art is NOT a bad deal.)

Shows I saw: HAIR (x5), Race, Memphis, Fela!, Next to Normal, Superior Donuts, In the Heights (x2), In the Next Room, and Finian's Rainbow.

It was a nice mix of shows that I haven't seen, show's that I have seen, Plays, and Musicals. I would have liked to see (to have seen? gotta check the grammar on that) A Little Night Music and Rock of Ages (again) and perhaps Next to Normal once more but that's okay, I did well. Hopefully all those shows will be open next time I'm home.

Tonight I saw in the heights. To be honest at first I wasn't even sure I wanted to see it. Last week with Iva it was kind of... eh, it had lost something, that feeling, that vibe, that was so alive a few years ago when In the Heights was fresh and new. Also There was an understudy for Mandy, and she was the main reason I was going since I won't be able to make it to her last show. Tonight though, tonight was different. Although I was sad Luis was out, the show itself was great. The energy was wonderful, it was vibrant, it was fun, it was emotional, it was great. It was sad to say goodbye to Mandy, she's so sweet. Hopefully whatever show she's in next will be awesome. I'm happy for her but sad to see her go. And the others. Oh man, Corbin Bleusnavi is coming soon. I'm nervous. I've met him a couple times though and he's super nice.

Alright, I'm sure I have more to say but it's time to watch season 5 of weeds and go to bed... oh and hunter parish is beautiful.

wtf

im 21.... wtf

eh... mind change

so for start of semester "resolutions" I kind of want to add and switch.

The hour of work idea was a good idea on principle but in actuality I'm not sure how it makes sense, just because what if I have more work... I don't know, sorry that wasn't coherent really. But basically - I'm nixing it and replacing it. Instead I'm going to say that I should read non-academic materials for AT LEAST 1/2 and hour a day. Except (tentatively) thursdays and sundays.

here is a list of books that are on my recreational reading list. aka, books that I own and have bought compulsively even though I totally don't have the time to read them (and can't afford to just keep buying books like that!)

In no particular order (except the 1st)

1. finish - Beloved - Toni Morrison

2. Comitted - Elizabeth Gilbert

3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou

4. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

5. The Tales of Beedle the Bard - J.K. Rowling

6. Thank G-d for Evolution - Michael Dowd

7. About a Boy - Nick Hornby

8. A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor

9. Free for All - Joe Papp, The Public, and the Greatst theater Story Ever Told - Kenneth Turan & Joseph Pap

10. The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka

11. Fully Empowered - Pablo Neruda

12. Night - Elie Wiesel

13. A prophetic Minority - Jack Newfield

14. I Married a Communist - Philip Roth

15. The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien

16. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk

so that's a nice mix of Fiction, Non-Fiction, Poetry, Short Stories, whatever...

I have a few others lying around, but this should keep me busy for a while. I guess I'll probably bring about 5 of those up to school to start since I'll be so busy, I doubt I'll finish all of them even before the next time i'm home.

Also, I know I hate resolutions, but I feel really out of shape and NEED to work out. I need a push of motivation. Suggestions Highly welcomed.

and more goodness

Positive action from W,X, and Y (though I'm not supposed to care about W.) and as for Z? Z can go suck it! No clue what I'm talking about? good. But it's good stuff, for the most part, except for Z, which is busy sucking it.

Had a good day today, went to Soho and saw emma, had lunch and went shopping with her, then headed to times square, walked around a little but it was freezing. Ran into Jenn though, which was happiness! I haven't seen that girl in FOREVER. And then I went with my dad to the freestyle love supreme show which was, as expected, fabulous. And said hey to lin, met corbin bleusnavi. he's actually really nice. Overall good time. Yay goodness. 3 days till the big 2.1. woo!

Double voice lesson tomorrow, let's do work!

sorry for so many blogs in such a short period of time.

So many highs and lows today. It could have been a great day, but it wasn't because of the lows.

But that being said, I just got a decent amount of dialog scripted for my play. I mean, its pretty crappy but it's the roughest of the rough drafts so that's a start. Yay progress.

I'm going to ignore the bad and the shitty and focus on what was good about today. Using my gift certificate to get some awesome stuff at shatzi. I love that store. I got a great green pea coat for spring, an awesome biker jacket that looks great and not poser-ish Yay, a cute hat, and we won't talk about the gloves. And I saw Hair and it was fun, Hair always makes me happy. Yay letting the sunshine in. Oh and had dinner with pesnki and her coworkers that was fun, love spending time with friends and meeting new people. and yay i got stuff done on the play. Happy vibes, come on, you're there, I know it.

Keep it Positive

okay. Time to start staying positive. STOP THE BITCHING AND MOANING NOW.

Okay, done.

seven things I'm looking forward to:

1. My 21st Birthday :-)

2. Chad coming to visit

3. Seeing Johnny play at the rockwood (and being legal for it!)

4. Going to mostly sondheim

5. Heading back to the cuse after being away for 8 months

6. final (double) voice lesson before i head back

7. having my own room in the cuse and a kitchen, and not living in doors business

that didn't really make me feel better, what's wrong with me?

Now I'm complaining about complaining too much.

I looked recently at my old xanga again and I was bantering on about some of the exact same stuff I still ramble on about today. Have I really not changed that much since highschool? that can't be true.

Like looking back (and I'll post a few in a sec) why must I always be so damn self-loathing and self-pitying. My life really isn't that bad, hell I know that! then change, amelia I keep trying to tell myself, but change is hard for me, it always has been. I'm in for a massive change though... I have to be. I've yearned to change for so long. I like stuff about myself, but overall I'm not happy with myself. I need to learn to be, I guess.

April 1, 2008: I need to learn how to not be paranoid and not think so much.

it;s really something that I need to work on.
le sigh.

yup, still need work in that department...

August 26, 2007: I deleted him off my buddy list. Done. Goodbye. Never again. WHAT??? gone.

Whoever that was (and I think I have a pretty good idea who it may have been) I am sure a few weeks later I un-gotover him, added him back on my buddy list bc I figured seeing his name would be better than constantly wondering if he's online. fuck. I still do that.

May 25, 2007: i miss having friends...

not that they were real friends anyway.

There we go with the self loathing again

blah... well new birthday, new semester, new beginnings... none of this winging business anymore.

I'd also like to say 2006 was a great year. wish i could "find a way back to then"

thats a lot of blogs

This is my 120th blog post... I wonder how many of these are filled with stupid crap, and angry rants. I think its time to invite more happiness into my life. More peacefulness, more calm, more achievement. I don't know. I'm sick of complaining but its of a comfort zone for me. I've always done it. It's easy and convenient. I guess in some ways I'm a sub-conscious self masochist. I like to make myself feel bad about shit because its comfortable there, its easy to do. Probably why I always go for the asshole boys who don't treat me the way I know I deserve. It's like I oddly like it and I oddly like complaining about it. I'm probably disposing too much personal information, but I had to get it out.

It's time for change. I just don't know how to change. I have the desire to change but not the motivation. fuck.

frustration

The fact that I can't think of a story to tell tortures me.

I have characters, themes, a voice, set ideas, hell I even have plot twists... I JUST NEED A FREAKING PLOT!!

inspiration, where have you gone??