blah

So I guess what it all comes down to is that life is about choices, and choices are hard to make. And sometimes we make the wrong choices. Sometimes those wrong choices are innocent ones. We didn't know, we couldn't have known, and therefore, we can't kick ourselves for them. hell... maybe it'll all work out, right? The only thing to do now is accept the choices we've made and move forward from there. Some are worth correcting, some are meant to be left as they are and just move on. word.

Rocky Horror, Raúl Esparza, and Broadway... oh my!

woah?

Holy crap. somehow, someway... that worked.
I posted that blog and just felt encouraged, empowered. Even though I didn't even thing about what I had written, maybe it was just wedged in the back of my head. But I just started writing and I wrote and I wrote (and I thank you dalton for teaching me how to bullshit)

It's like a weight has been lifted.
Damn, that feels good.

calm down, missy.

Okay, Amelia, okay.
think.
Everything is art.
EVERYTHING.
You just need to color the canvas with words that aesthetically match together in a way that is understandable.
They need to make sense.
You can always go back and fix the edges.
but now it needs to be onto the page.
Art is made when there is a need to express it.
you NEED to get this done.
it must be completely.
You must paint a picture. with words.
and then you can fix it. later.
your struggle is the struggle of any artist. Completion is key. Once you are done you can rest.
You can not quit in the middle of a piece. You must persevere.
ready, set, go!

Day 6

I got a gift certificate to Ohm Spa for Chanukah so i decided to use it yesterday. I got a massage and it was glorious, as massages often are. (not that I often get massages, but on the occasion that I do they are quite glorious.) Then I walked from there to the Sephora on 34th and used my gift certificate that my Aunt gave me for my birthday there and got new bronzer, powder, mascara, and eyeliner. Also glorious. Then I walked most of the way home.

Viviana eventually got here. Yay. Then we went to eat dinner at the mansion then rented Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, which was awesome. And that pretty much sums it up.

I think I posted this a while back but... so much love!

Day 5

woke up kinda late, when on another cooking adventure. I made whole wheat pasta with spinach and roasted garlic and portobello mushrooms, mozerella, and a liberal amount marinara sauce. Becca came over and i fed her lol.

Then Chris came in and we left epic videos on people's facebook walls. Good times, man, good times. Then we headed down to Hair lotto and penski met us there to help, which was nice, yet WE BOTH WON!!!! i neverrrr win lotto. like ever. so that was exciting. Then i made him go to the amazingness that is patzeria. I wanted order "Quiero una abuela por favor" but I got shy so just asked for a grandma slice in english. I got too. BEST PIZZA IN THE ENTIRE CITY!!!

Then we wandered around, went to the drama book shop <3 then went to hang out with Brian at the Nederlander for a bit. THEN WE SAW HAIR...

OMG SO AMAZING!!!! it was like one big hippie party and i got to dance on stage at the end. Yay!!!

Then we went to st. marks got bubble tea at st. alps then bought things. then went home.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Daphne Rubin-Vega

Day 4

woke up and chilled around the house for a bit then was like... I NEED TO GET OUT!!
but I didn't instead I made some caprese a la melia... it was great I like roasted garlic w/ pepper and chives (and a pinch of salt) and then put slices of tomato on the pan with slices of fresh mozzarella on top then when the the cheese began to melt a bit I put to garlic on top and put the whole shebang in the fridge to cool, then we ate them with dinner. Gosh I love cooking. I think when I'm done posting thing I'll go cook something else.

Eventually I left the house and took my work with me. Holy crap that textbook is so freaking boring. I sat down with it for an hour and barely got anything done. Anyway I took the subway down to 14th street and decided that if it is after 4:15pm when i get out then i will go work in my usual cafe, B-Cup on 13th and B... and if it is before 4:15pm, I will take the L to Williamsburg. It was 4:07pm so I went to the L. Oh and I found my potential soulmate but I didn't talk to him. If I eveer see him again though... lol.
So in the short amount of time of 6 minutes I was off in Brooklyn and wandered around, saw a record store and checked it out, then found a random little coffee shop and did my magazine homework. Then I wandered a bit more and took the train back home. Got off the L at 1st avenue and 14th street, walked till about 30th and got on the bus because I had too many thoughts in my mind not to write them down. Then I got off the bus somewhere in the 70s and walked the rest of the way home.

Then I had dinner with my Mom and got ready for Miscast... which was freaking awesome. So much talent RAÚL ESPARZA (swoon), Alice Ripley was fierce, and Daniel Breaker is probably the best Elle Woods ever!! I saw Lin there and he gave me a huge hug, I felt special. Then I went home and passed basically the entire in the heights cast at WSS stagedoor.

dazzit.

babies singing beatles makes me happy

day 3

nothing.
seriously. i did nothing all day.
except the good thing i mentioned before.
and i went to the grocery store.
and had indian food for dinner.
and it wasn't even good.
and now i feel lethargic.


this one is the best. ay hunter.

of course...

and just as expected, she falls right back in.
I feel so vulnerable, I can't stand it.
I need to go make art. its the one thing i'm decent at.

edit: omg i cant believe i just did that. relief.

day 2

So yesterday once i was up and ready i went to go get brunch with ava. I wanted to walk... so I did. I walked 3+ miles but then was running late so I hopped in a cab and met her at the smith, which is a restaurant downtown. It was really cute and the food was good. Then we went to some frozen yogurt place (there are so many of them these days) called Sixteen Handles. I was stuffed so I didnt get anythign, but it was self serve, which is pretty cool and they also had dozens of flavors. also cool. Allison met us there and that was fun. Then we went to ava's dorm aka amazing apartment that i am so jealous of and hung out for a bit. I met maya and her other suitemate who's name I can't remeber and Rob came over for a bit. Then I had to go.

i went home showered and went to kelly's she also has a really sick apartment. I am really really jealous of everyone'e sick apartments, but its okay because my housing for the spring is unbelievable. We just hung out, nothng special but I hadn't seen her in a while so that was good.

Then I met up with my camp friends at a sushi place on 31st street, it was small but the sushi was actually pretty decent. It was great to see them since I hadnt in forever as well. At lot of them were going to alcapulco which apparently is really unsafe right now. I hope everything is okay.

Then i left a bit early and went to the rockwood and the guy didnt let me in and i was so upset. So i litterally just stood outside watching and i was like emotional anyway so eventually he was just like "go in, but don't lie to me again" or whatever THANKFULLY so i watched to rest of Johnny's set. It was good, he's been better, but it was still fun. He sort of peaced right after though. Then the prigs went on and that was a ton of fun. I mean its exactly my "type" of music per se, but its just really engaging and fun, they just seem like a great group of guys and you know that they enjoy themselves. Then the "led slead players" aka "the steel park rangers" aka "gretchen, sven, and sven" played and they did a ton of covers but also in the underground, sad song, a james smith original, and goodbye midnight. Honestly it was just really great to see them though.

I forgot a video yesterday but I'm not going to do 2 now because that would just be overkill
I'm not sure if this is funny if you haven't watched "Legally Blonde: the search for the next elle woods," haven't seen in the heights, or are not familiar with the broadway people but whatever, i love it.

BREAK TIME

this break i'm going to try to actually keep up to date here.
so friday...

Well Thursday night was technically vacation because I was done with classes so I went to see Mark's show "Little Person" which I really enjoyed a lot. I was nervous because I had hear about it being "interesting" and "different" and "weird" and sometimes those words can imply "pretentiously odd for the sake of being odd" but it wasn't like that at ALL. Yeah, it was experimental but really they were just taking material and having fun with it. It was awesome. (oh and earlier i got sushi with sami and allie)
Did lots of unimportant things at school friday then Sami drove us to bus station, where the line was absolutely insane. But then we got there, the bus was relatively quick and not too bad minus the screaming baby...

But okay NEW YORK. Just seeing it made me so happy. I can't imagine anywhere else I would want to be right now. We got off the bus and since we were early, Robbie and I realized we both had an hour to kill. Robbie wass like, "I kind of want to drink." Same page. we went to blockhead and sat outside, which was freezing, but their margaritas made it worth it. thats what robbie's drink looked like i thought that was cool.

Then we parted our seperate ways and I met Jan and her friends at the life cafe. I love jan's friends and I love the life cafe. I got hot chocolate and a grilled cheese w/ avacado sandwhich. It was all realy good but i was soo full and ate it anyway. Oh well, whatever. i also had a bite of the ridiculously amazing fudge cake that we got for Jan's bday. And Jan and I signed the rent registry. Sad times.

Greasy Pizza

"You'd better know that in the end, its better to say too much than never say what you need to say again. Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say"

So I've decided that the first thing I'm doing when I get home (okay well not first, but one of the firsts) is buying lots and lots of healthy food. And cooking a lot. And making healthy things. And not eating gross things like really greasy pizza... when I'm not even hungry. Yuck. Don't get me wrong, really good pizza when you really really want it is excellent but right now I just feel so gross and want to go like work out and eat a salad instead. Next time I want to go for junk I should remember how I feel right now and how good it feels when you have a healthy meal.

o, hay! I'm in this vid.


edit (dont feel like making a new entry)I feel liike shit right now and i also feel overexposed. Why do i suddenly have so much motivation to change and why is that making me then upset?

finally

so i had a revelation.
the time has come.
to move on.
and i am ready now.
i just hope i don't change my mind!!!

things are happening, things are moving, i can feel it. I am filled with so much optimism today with no real reason for it. I love this though i want it to continue.

This quote is so far off from describing my life, in fact, it's almost the complete opposite. However, I am for some reason connecting with the emotions that it conveys. I do not know why. I don't care.

Cry, but not too often,
Play, but not too rough.
Keep a tender distance
so we'll both be free.
That's the way it ought to be.
I'm ready!
Marry me a little,
Do it with a will.
Make a few demands
I'm able to fulfill.
Want me more than others,
Not exclusively.
That's the way it ought to be.
I'm ready!
I'm ready now!
- Company

daily video:

that letter was thrown at me. patti lupone made eye contact. with me. scariest/ most incredible moment of my life thus far.

Lyrics

There are so many lyrics that I love and i just so wish that they could pertain to my life, you know. Or sometimes they do pertain to my life, but I can't let anyone know that. And sometimes they don't pertain to my life but I like the quote but I don't want to use it because I think that people will think that it pertains to my life. Or sometimes its something that I want to pertain to my life and I'm scared that if I use it then it won't come true.

But alas, quote of the moment that is stuck in my head: "As a matter of fact, there's no turning back, I got you, girl, you're my heart attack. It's not the things that you say its the things that you do, that make me wanna get next to you. And I wish that everybody would feel the way I do when I'm lying next to you." - Andrew Ripp

Fakeness

I hate fake people.
I HATE fake people.
Like, I really fucking hate fake people.
Just say. it. to. my. face. bitch.
Really though, it's bitchier to be nice to someone's face and then nasty behind that person's back. For anyone who is reading this. I like honesty. I can handle the fucking truth and I can take a hint. So do yourself and me a favor and don't be a fucking asshole. Entiendas?

Also, is it better to discover something or to live in ignorance, which, after all, is bliss? I think that sometimes we think we want to know something, and we think that is what would be good for ourselves but in actuality, we would be better off not knowing, but it's nearly impossible to convince oneself of that. It is for this reason, I believe. Ignorance is bliss if it is truly ignorance. If there is even a tiny hint of suspicious, then it is just not knowing, which is worse, it is always worse. At least in my case, where it leads, often to paranoia. 

Whatever, fuck them fake bitches, I'm better than that. 

Nothing to make a girl feel better than some Darcy and Seth and some JamesHeatherJames love. ooooh the Bowery Ball Room

tragedy

Article in the Daily News
Article in the New York Post
NBC article and Video

* MOST RECENT *

Its weird for something to hit so close to home yet be so distant at the same time. I didn't know him, but I know people who did. I knew who he was. It's shocking, frightening, heart wrenching. It's really an awful thing. Yet I feel like I should be more affected by it and feel awful that I'm not. Perhaps it just hasn't hit me yet how real this is.

One thing that this did do was make me feel a connection with my high school again. Dalton truly is a community. Everyone I know made their status "my thoughts are with the dalton community" or "sending my love to Dalton." Such an incredible support system, it angers me that people blame the school for this tragic event. I worry about the 4th graders too, who were at recess when this occurred. It must have been so scarring. This is something they are going to remember for the rest of their lives.

My thoughts are with dalton, with him, his family, his friends, and everyone who was affected by this horrible incident. R.I.P.

no video today.

perfect sense

gosh you know those moments where everything just... falls into place. It all makes perfect sense now ;-)
i feel smug.

TOS and LMM two of my favoritist things:

time and place

So I was talking to a friend las night, sort of depressed (beverage consumption being a factor), about the fact that I have never been in a serious relationship. To which he replied, "babe, you're looking in all the wrong places."
me: i don't know if I'm really looking though
him: trust me you are
me: well, where am I supposed to look
him: maybe you're not supposed to be looking right now.

So then I thought, maybe I've just always been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now this idea may make me feel better about myself, but then again it's a pretty depressing notion. Always being in the wrong place at the wrong time means multitudes of missed opportunities. Have I wasted away valuable time that I could have been in the right place? But how would I have known. And also how can I stop looking if I didn't realize I was looking the first place?

Or maybe I have been in the wrong place at the wrong time (or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time) in this situation, but maybe I was supposed to be there. Maybe I have not found the one (or the 2, or the 3, I'm not sure I really believe in the whole soulmate thing) but maybe in those places I was filling some other void in my life. Maybe if I was somewhere else I could have started a relationship but in the place I was in I met an amazing friend or I made a good decision that impacted the rest of my life (butterfly affect, anyone?) All I know is that I am tired of waiting, I am tired of trying, it's just not easy to move past that.

video of the day:


these bitchin ladies will tell you whats up, caren lyn manuel and karmine alers ftw.

recruitment?

I don't get why sorority rush is called "recruitment." Just because like, who are they recruiting? These girls all already knew they wanted to be in a sororities some of them are even desperate to be in sororities, to be in particular sororities. If anything I think it should be called "decruitment" as in... Who can we eliminate? Who do we NOT want in our house? Who can we not accept? Or maybe they usually try to recruit people but last year when I rushed I was just so awful and they all wanted to get rid of me. Those of you know me, that's not me being paranoid, that's me being sarcastic. Clearly I know I'm not an awful person, which is why I think the system is absurd.

So this came out sort of strong. I don't hate sororities, truly. Clearly, i even wanted to be in one last year. I have friends who love it. I was considering even rushing again because there are a couple sororities that I actually really like and would happy to be a part of. I just think that the system of rush is absolutely ridiculous. It's hurtful, and it's absurd. I can't tell you how many girls I've seen burst into tears because a group of bitches decided that they didn't want to accept her based on talking to the girl for like .2 seconds. Last year when I rushed I was really unhappy. I was getting really sick, I was fighting with my roommate, and I was fighting with my friend from home, so then being flat out rejected by people, who in the long run, made no difference, I just was not in a good mood. So of course the houses didn't want me. No one wants someone moping around or whatever, but I'm a generally happy person, these girls didn't know me. By rushing they couldn't know that this is not how I usually am.

I am so glad I didn't decide to rush again, i would not want to put myself through that utter judgmental hell. And don't get me started on the pledging process.

I found my group, It's called Alpha Phi Omega, they are not exclusive, they don't haze, they always make me happy. I could not ask for a better group of brothers. Maybe that's because I didn't need to put on an inch of makeup, a fake smile, and a pair of skinny jeans, just to be accepted. I've said it a million times, but when I am with APO people, I am truly myself.
-----------------------------------

This video always makes me cry:

happiness

i just wanted to say that i really love all my courses this semester and I am just generally feeling happy.
At the moment, anyway.

This video is like the encompassment of amazingness

creative writing

I tend to dislike almost everything that I write. I think that I have finally discovered the reason for the constant scrapping of drafts, for the dozens of unfinished stories. I believe that there is a blurry line between fiction and reality. The creative fiction stories that I write are either about something I know nothing of (which often leads to me getting stuck and not knowing where to turn) or ones that hit waaaaaaaay too close to home. The latter type often leaves me feeling quite vulnerable. I get concerned what people will think. If people will know. Or if they know, will they know that it isn't all reality, that while there are themes that can identify with issues in my life I am not the character I have created. It's scary to put yourself out there like that in that context. Blogging is one thing because you know what you're giving and people know what they are getting, but creative fiction is putting yourself out to the world in a way that you can't be certain of. There is a lot more room for interpretation, it's pretty scary.

Don't censor, don't censor, don't censor. Die, Vampire, die. I've got to keep reminding myself, don't I?

In addition to the personal vulnerable and the fear of not getting it just right, there is also the self-consciousness which comes along with something in any artistic field. Is it even good? Do I have talent?

All in all getting you're writing out there can be quite the burden.

Just a silly little vid: