oh man soooo much catching up to do....

I guess we're still on Germany, huh?

Okay... you know what? before it gets too far behind I'm just going to write in current stuff and when I get the chance I will fill the rest in. Sorry about that. Not that anyone reads this anyway though.

Okay... Nice, since I just got back from there.

Absolutely incredible!! So after being up until 3am to finish that hell hole known as midterm papers, I got to sleep for 2 hours before we had to get ready and get our cab to the airport. We made it in time, had a tired flight but when we were landing in Nice at around 10:30am I knew we had chosen the perfect vacation spot.

The view of the mountains, with little cottages in it, the cote d'azur, the beautiful blue waters, the pebbly beach (which is admittedly prettier to look at than to step on) was honestly, I can say, the most beautiful place I have ever been. (Or at least tied with La Isla Culebra, where I went in Puerto Rico.)

As soon as we got to the hotel, which was a little run down, a little shabby, but hey everyone was friendly, it was cheep and it worked. By the way, in France if your hotel comes with breakfast, that means a croissant, a baguette, orange juice, and a hot beverage.

We got to our room and we opened the window to let in the warm see air, it was supposed to rain the day we got there, but we had perfect weather the entire time. So much sun entered through our room, we took a nap and when we woke up Anna had a short tan line already.

Basically it was 5 days of lying on the beach (bliss), going in the ocean, eating amazing french food, and dancing on tables every night.

Oh and the whole getting lost in the french mountains. Definitely a well-deserved vacation. So much better than city hopping like everyone and their mom seemed to be doing, though it would have been fun to go to Madrid/Barcelona with chad.

so much

sorry for lagging behind, ive got to finish the germany blog and write the paris one but in the meantime...

Review of "Our Class" for DRA451 √

Group Paper on subcultures in Notting Hill / Portobello Markets --> Written, just need to wait for Iva to submit her revisions so we can edit and work on our class presentation. Due Tomorrow.

Description Piece on Sachsenhausen for WRT422 --> Need to edit. Due Friday

Paper on Starbucks in london for WRT422 --> Need to finish and Edit. Due Friday.

Paper for Visual Issues in the Media --> Need to start, finish, and edit. Due Friday.

Article for Zipped Magazine --> Need to start, finish, and edit. Due Today but I got an extention till Friday.

Weather in Nice when I get there... 71ºF makes it worth it.

Berlin, Deutschland - eine

It's interesting being in a foreign country with a different language. German is really cool and kind of hilarious. Growing up in a global city I' so used to people walking around gushing in some unrecognizable jargon. It's weird to think that in Berlin, this is me. While everyone here knows a little bit of English, just enough to get by, they don't really understand the language and our conversations in general are just nonsense to them. I find that neat. I fund a lot of things neat these days

-zwei-

We arrived in Berlin quite late and all very exhausted so after our meetings and dropping our stuff off in the, essentially, bachelorette pad that we were given, we wandered off and got pizza. Yes we are in Germany and had Italian food, but I don't care because it was amazing. Anna and I split the quattro frommagio and my wait line yelled at me a little. It's okay though, it was delicious.

-drei-

The next morning, bright and early, we got breakfast form the hostel, where I kind of ate my life away. Actually soo much food. chatted with Wolfgang, who is the shit, and met our hilarious, dorky, and opinionted tour guide, Gabriel who led us around for the day.

- vier -

Gabriel took us around this city and taught us the history of Berlin. There's something quite remarkable about Berlin in that so much of the city was rebuilt after it was destroyed in the war, yet below the new and modern buildings, the old Berlin very much still exists in a sort of alternative Universe.. It is very much still there, almost vivid really. Gabriel showed us where Hitler used to live. What's there now? Get this... a playground!! As in, for children. As cool of a city Berlin has now become, I don't think it's a place I could ever live or call home. Too much negative energy lurking it its streets.

right here, right now. London.

Yesterday (i wrote this over a week ago, but at the time i wrote "yesterday") for the very first time, I felt myself in London. There was nowhere else in the world I could possibly be except in this city. I know the exact moment it him me, it was subtle but recognizable none the less.

It wasn't the bright red double decker busses or all the drivers on the "wrong" side of the car. It wasn't the castles or mansion that we've toured or the brilliant accents escaping each man's tongue. it was not the pubs crowding each corner of every single street with men in suits crowding around each day. it wasn't being at the Globe for the first time, though that experience was magical indeed.

It was something else, a feeling, a vibe. I was alone, exploring trying to find a way to use my time. Searching for London, perhaps? With a cup of tea in my hand and a theatre ticket in my purse, I was ready to explore.

My venture started at Cecil ct. the little alley way that JK Rowling based Diagon Alley on. This tine street is filled with little antique shops, miniature art galleries, but most importantly, bookshops. These shops were unique and wonderful, each one so different from the next. Each one so old. Each so quintessential. Almost pristine in a dusty, odd way.

I love books, and these stores were just so incredible for me to stumble upon. My favorite was the spirituality one, I must go back there to get a palm reading. (judge me all you want, but I find that stuff really neat.) I wish I could work there. I could feel the jist of London poking at me, I knew it was near but the click didn't occur yet. It was coming.

I continued walking on and passed this tiny alleyway it was so small, I can't imagine people could go in more than single file. Maybe double if both people were small. Inside this alley there were back doors to all the pubs and restaurants that had entrances on the main streets. I headed towards it but the first 1/2 was dark and I got nervous and went back to the main road.

However, I ended up on the other side of this alley, the entrance just slightly bigger and there was this kind of cheery feeling there, lots of chaps (yes, chaps, that is the right word) were drinking beers outside these pubs in this alley just chatting, drinking, perhaps having a fag (British slang for a cigarette, not an anti-gay slur... obviously.) And gosh, I can't explain it, but everything just clicked. This is London. You are here. Right here. Right now. Yes.

that being said...

I love london, really it's great, I'm having a wonderful time here and feel totally at home. But that being said, I couldn't live here forever, I miss New York wayy too much.

I miss the coffeeshop on the corner of 86th and 1st open all night long that fulfills my 3am cravings of mozzarella sticks and french fries. nothing is open that late here, well almost nothing.

I miss the bright lights and dizzying crowds of times square, the tourist attraction the New Yorkers are supposed to loathe, yet it is the place I love. Rowdy crowds and luminous marquees is the place I all home.

I miss the food, oh the food. Block after block of every cuising you cold ever imagine. Open all night long (did I mention that?)

Little Italy, I don't go there much, but oh the food. Gelato and Cannolies all the time, open all night long (did I mention that?)

I miss my shows. Hair, In the Heights, Next to normal, Rent. Oh that's right, Rent closed. Well I miss it even more.

I miss all the shows being in one small street, not knowing what to see being completely okay. I miss the sponteineity.

I miss knowing where everything is. Not needing to consult a subway map everytime I need to get from A to B. And not getting lost everywhere I go. Okay, that isn't true, but I have a general sense of orientation in New York that I don't have here.

I guess it's not just New York I miss, but rather MY New York, the city I know, I miss knowing the place that I live.

I miss my friends, my family, my comfortable bed, my shower, my kitchen, my closet, my space. I miss the view from my terrace fro the 27th floor looking over the river to the east and a the gaggle of sky scrpaers to the west.

I do miss a lot of things, but I love London and am thankful for this opportunity to be here.

Hamstead Heath

Okay, so I'm going to start little by little and a bit out of order but here goes...

There is something so poetic about hamstead heath that really compels you to write. You just want the visions in your mind and the thoughts in your brain to articulate themselves into structures that do the beuaty justice. You want to reach out, let everyone around you know the connection that you have made with such tranquility.

What I love about Hamstead is that there is an air of calm, litterally a forest with trails and hills and large plains of grass and archaic watering holes. This park, if you can call it that, is then surrounded by brilliant crafted homes and gardens. On top of that, this little patch of serenity is right in the center of this crazy, busy, international city.

Would love to live here someday.

get excited

there will be lots of updating soon. brace yourselves. In the meantime, sweet dreams chicos.

never settle

Yesterday, I needed more than anything to clear my head, relax, escape the tangle of thoughts that were clogging my brain. The theatre. A brilliant solution. The theatre is a place I can go when I need to escape. Leave reality and venture into a world that is not my own. A place where I can fully focus on something else and leave everything I know behind.

London is not like new york in that the theatres are not all next to eachother. Seeing as I am still learning how to find my way from one place to the next, the search for a show was difficult. I passed Mamma Mia and The 39 Steps but that was certainly not what I wanted. At 2:30pm I decided to find Hairspray since its matinee on Saturdys is at 3. However, being me and all i got super lost.

I ended up passing Jersey Boys and knew that was where I should be. The show had already started but that didn't really bother me much.

--oh crap, just realized I never finished this--

anyway, we're working on overviews here. So jersey Boys. I enjoyed it a lot, it really hit the spot for me, Always makes me feel better. The theatre was bigger than the one in New York. I mean, obviously the show itself is better on Broadway, but I think they did a pretty good job. The guy playing tommy was awesome, frankie was good though he played the character TOTALLY differently than JLY does, which was interesting to see. But yes, it was what I needed. Perfect.

As for the title, I think that was about how I was craving a croissant that day (this was weeks ago) and I went to starbucks but they didn't have any and instead I got a cinnamon bun. Yeah it was good, I mean, it's a cinnamon bun, but I didn't feel good afterwords. I just felt like I had consumed empty calories and it wasn't worth it if i wasn't fully satisfied. Had I gotten what I wanted, the calories would have been justified because the craving would have been fulfilled. So that's when i decided to build a mantra, never settle.

london

so i have another blog with the roommates but for some reason I wanted to write on here. It's weird being here because even though its been about 3 weeks now, it hardly feels like I'm in another country, let alone another continent. I guess I was expecting to have more of a culture shock but really this city runs very much the same way as my own.

That being said though, that's not neccesarily a bad thing. I feel very much at home in this place that I had expected to see so foreign.

I've done lots too and I'm trying to get to know the city.
The theatre here is remarkable, I've seen a few shows already and I'm seeing la cage again tonight. Not sure that I really want to but I already paid so I guess I'd better make the most of it, right?

As You Like it at the Globe was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen.

as if you needed more reasons to love jason mraz...

This quote from his blog fits nicely with my latest blog, yes?

"Today I invite you to give your time or attention to a person or a cause that would love to have you. (Grandma’s are a great start.)

Get clear or complete with someone today. Who or what have you been avoiding that has been costing you power? Call or visit with that person and let them know what’s on your mind simply as an act of love. See the real value in that person, even if that person’s only role has been to test your patience. Acknowledge that person for having done a great job. We are here NOW. Therefore, the past has been played out perfectly! It’s a win-win. So drop the grudge. Try on compassion, and feel that courage is a triumph of the soul! 

Another way to not be so stingy is to practice kindness to everyone today. Every check out clerk, restaurant staff, janitor, tollbooth attendant, teacher and police officer you pass. Give them your most sincere hello. You are alive today and so are they. Everyone deserves acknowledgement since this day is all there is."

And also, this video... I need to learn Spanish, coño!

2 steps forward

So recently I've been having little spurts of motivation. Well, I'm not sure if it's really motivation, its more like, getting myself back on to the plateau when I find myself falling as apposed to climbing further up the mountain. But either way, I suppose it's a good thing. Better than falling off completely. It's just recently when I feel myself getting lazy or losing desire to continue with something I just keep telling myself, "You have to work extremely hard to achieve any goal." And for some reason that has helped me, a lot. It just gives me that little push to keep going. 

I also am wondering about the people who have hurt me or who have made me struggle. I have about 4 in mind right now that I really think are responsible for creating the bitch I am becoming. And I don't mean bitch in a bad way. I'm not mean, I'm never mean, hell I can't be mean. The term bitch is more empowering if anything. It's sassy, it's fierce, it's forward and direct. The word bitch says, "I am an independent woman and I am going to fight for what I believe in." It's not a bad thing. But back on topic, I wonder about these people and maybe they were put in my life at this time for a reason. Maybe I need these people in my life to push all the wrong buttons and help me man up and grow. Maybe I need someone to really treat me like shit to help me see that I don't deserve to be treated like shit. Maybe I need someone to betray my trust to teach me that I should be more cautious. Maybe I need someone to ignore me to help me see that I don't deserve to be ignored. Or used. Or taken advantage of. Maybe this is paving the way to a better me and stronger, better, relationships for the future. 

Having hope is a glorious thing. I need to just stay in this mind set and get better. Right now I'm too elated and really too tired to get all existential about it. Because really that's what's been hurting, and I'm tired of hurting. An uphill climb may be a struggle, but it's worth it. It's always worth it. And it's always better than feeling nothing. 

I miss the mountains

There was a time when I flew higher,

Was a time the wild girl running free would be me

Now I see her, feel the fire

Now I know she needs me there to share 

I'm nowhere

All these blank and tranquil years

Seems they've dried up all my tears

And while she runs free and fast

Seems my wild days are past

But I miss the mountains

I miss the dizzy heights

All the manic magic days

And the dark depressing nights

I miss the mountains

I miss the highs and lows

All the climbing, all the falling

All the while the wild wind blows

Stinging you with snow

And soaking you with rain

I miss the mountains

I miss the pain

Mountains make you crazy

Here it's safe and sound

My mind is somewhere hazy

My feet are on the ground

Everything is balanced here

And on an even keel

Everything is perfect

Nothing's real

Nothing's real

And I miss the mountains

I miss lowly climb

Wandering through the wilderness

And spending all my time

Where the air is clear and cuts you like a knife

I miss the mountains

I, I miss the mountains

I miss my life

I miss my life

art is

my connection to reality

i know what i want... just not how to get it

I want someone who I can call just to tell him that I miss him and not have to worry about being awkward, or sounding like I'm too clingy... or desperate... Just an innocent remark. I want someone who I can call and say I miss and who will appreciate the call and tell me he misses me too. I want someone who will call me just to tell me he misses me. I want someone to miss me. 

Some people... are ALWAYS in relationships, I don't get it. They go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever.) I don't get it. Then there are some of us who feel like we're going to stay single forever. It's a horrible feeling, I don't recommend it. 

I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I want to be happy again. I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't like it and I don't know how to fix it. 

Perhaps that's why so many dumb miniscule problems seem to be a much bigger deal than they truly are, because they are occurring over a general unhappiness. A general blue. 

I want to change, but I don't feel the motivation. I hope I will change in London. For the better. I need to. 

beauty

looking out of my twenty-something-th floor window at the overwhelming flow of lights and sky scrapers, then standing on my terrace looking eastward at the river, the bridge, and more lights I re-fell in love with my beautiful city. 

$$

I have GOT to stop spending so much Money.

Also I have GOT to get to Chicago. 

Which of course involves... (drum role please) spending more MONEY!

And getting out of jury duty...

Even though no one reads my blog anymore I'd still like to start posting videos again. This one was created by the wonderfully talented Nitya who I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday.

Also here is some art that I have created:

fail.

my whole being healthy thing totally just jumped out the window.

I have GOT to get back on track.

On the bright side i've got my first voice lesson today so that should be fun. 

too bad I feel like crap right now. 

la la la

so... I signed up for a bdc club card, bought a pair of ballet slippers, and am on my way to becoming a prima ballerina... well not quite but let's take this thing one step at a time.

Also I TOTALLY forgot reading on my list. I have a hugeeee pile of books waiting to be read (because i tend to buy books compulsively) so I want to get those done.

Here is the list of books, in no particular order other than the order I picked them up out of the box that they are in.

1. Charmed Thirds - Megan McCaffferty

2. eat, pray, love - Elizabeth Gilbert

3. The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards

4. Brighton Beach Memoirs - Neil Simon 

5. Fully Empowered - Pablo Neruda

6. Oleanna - David Mamet

7. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk

8. The Audacity of Hope - Barack Obama

9. A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor

10. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien

11. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou

12. The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka

13. The Kitchen God's Wife - Amy Tan

14. Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift 

15. Emma - Jane Austen

16. I Married a Communist - Philip Roth

17. Beloved - Toni Morrison 

18. Night - Ellie Wiesel

19. Lolita - Vladamir Nabokov

20. "Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" - Beverly Daniel Tatum

21. Collected Short Stories of F. Scott itzgerald

22. Beowulf

23. Portraits and Observations: The Essays of Truman Capote

24. Just Who will you Be? - Maria Shriver

25. Indignation - Philip Roth

26. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test  Tom Wolfe

27. Clock Without Hands - Carson mcCullers

28. Complete Short Fiction - Oscar Wilde

29. The Book Theif - Markus Zusak

30. The Tales of Beedle the Bard - JK Rowling 

31. The Almot Moon - Alice Sebold 

32. Straight from the Source - Kim Osario 

33. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

this summer, pre camp....

i would like to:
dance
sing
jam
drive
manage
watch
earn

realistically?
I will try my hardest to get to a few dance I made a schedule of all the ones I'd like to take at BDC and Serena which include an assortment of beginner ballet, jazz, theater, hip hop, african, and belly dancing. I'll have to experiment and see which teachers and types I like then i can continue with those.

I will contact Sasha's voice teacher, but really i can afford only a few lessons. Voice lessons are pricey.

I will call my old guitar teacher and see if he's still teaching and if he's still cheap. Then I'll schedule a lesson or two. I've been trying to teach myself but it just aint working

Drive? Yeah... not gonna happen. Sorry license, but you can wait. Plus it'd probably be easier to take the driving test next spring in cuse.

I applied for a few stage managing and various theatre jobs, so we shall see. Still need to apply for a few more but I got lazy so I only applied to the ones that didn't require cover letters.

Shows... I've already seen Rooms, I'm going to the [title of show] benefit tomorrow, and let's see what else I want to see (priorities in bold):

Want to see: 9 to 5, August Osage County, Guys and Dolls, Next to Normal, Reasons to be Pretty, Rock of Ages, Shrek the Musical, Phantom of the Opera, West Side Story 

Want to see again: Avenue Q, Billy Elliot, Hair, In the Heights, Jersey Boys, The Lion King, Wicked

Don't know anything about: 33 Variations, Accent on Youth, Blithe Spirit, Desire Under the Elms, Exit the King, God of Carnage, Irena's Vow, Joe Turner's Come and Gone, Mary Stewart, The Norman Conquests (X3), The Philanthropist

:-(

overall, despite obnoxious people and anxiety... its been a good year.
goodbye cuse, see ya in JANUARY