beauty

looking out of my twenty-something-th floor window at the overwhelming flow of lights and sky scrapers, then standing on my terrace looking eastward at the river, the bridge, and more lights I re-fell in love with my beautiful city. 

$$

I have GOT to stop spending so much Money.

Also I have GOT to get to Chicago. 

Which of course involves... (drum role please) spending more MONEY!

And getting out of jury duty...

Even though no one reads my blog anymore I'd still like to start posting videos again. This one was created by the wonderfully talented Nitya who I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday.

Also here is some art that I have created:

fail.

my whole being healthy thing totally just jumped out the window.

I have GOT to get back on track.

On the bright side i've got my first voice lesson today so that should be fun. 

too bad I feel like crap right now. 

la la la

so... I signed up for a bdc club card, bought a pair of ballet slippers, and am on my way to becoming a prima ballerina... well not quite but let's take this thing one step at a time.

Also I TOTALLY forgot reading on my list. I have a hugeeee pile of books waiting to be read (because i tend to buy books compulsively) so I want to get those done.

Here is the list of books, in no particular order other than the order I picked them up out of the box that they are in.

1. Charmed Thirds - Megan McCaffferty

2. eat, pray, love - Elizabeth Gilbert

3. The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards

4. Brighton Beach Memoirs - Neil Simon 

5. Fully Empowered - Pablo Neruda

6. Oleanna - David Mamet

7. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk

8. The Audacity of Hope - Barack Obama

9. A Good Man is Hard to Find - Flannery O'Connor

10. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien

11. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou

12. The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka

13. The Kitchen God's Wife - Amy Tan

14. Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift 

15. Emma - Jane Austen

16. I Married a Communist - Philip Roth

17. Beloved - Toni Morrison 

18. Night - Ellie Wiesel

19. Lolita - Vladamir Nabokov

20. "Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" - Beverly Daniel Tatum

21. Collected Short Stories of F. Scott itzgerald

22. Beowulf

23. Portraits and Observations: The Essays of Truman Capote

24. Just Who will you Be? - Maria Shriver

25. Indignation - Philip Roth

26. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test  Tom Wolfe

27. Clock Without Hands - Carson mcCullers

28. Complete Short Fiction - Oscar Wilde

29. The Book Theif - Markus Zusak

30. The Tales of Beedle the Bard - JK Rowling 

31. The Almot Moon - Alice Sebold 

32. Straight from the Source - Kim Osario 

33. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

this summer, pre camp....

i would like to:
dance
sing
jam
drive
manage
watch
earn

realistically?
I will try my hardest to get to a few dance I made a schedule of all the ones I'd like to take at BDC and Serena which include an assortment of beginner ballet, jazz, theater, hip hop, african, and belly dancing. I'll have to experiment and see which teachers and types I like then i can continue with those.

I will contact Sasha's voice teacher, but really i can afford only a few lessons. Voice lessons are pricey.

I will call my old guitar teacher and see if he's still teaching and if he's still cheap. Then I'll schedule a lesson or two. I've been trying to teach myself but it just aint working

Drive? Yeah... not gonna happen. Sorry license, but you can wait. Plus it'd probably be easier to take the driving test next spring in cuse.

I applied for a few stage managing and various theatre jobs, so we shall see. Still need to apply for a few more but I got lazy so I only applied to the ones that didn't require cover letters.

Shows... I've already seen Rooms, I'm going to the [title of show] benefit tomorrow, and let's see what else I want to see (priorities in bold):

Want to see: 9 to 5, August Osage County, Guys and Dolls, Next to Normal, Reasons to be Pretty, Rock of Ages, Shrek the Musical, Phantom of the Opera, West Side Story 

Want to see again: Avenue Q, Billy Elliot, Hair, In the Heights, Jersey Boys, The Lion King, Wicked

Don't know anything about: 33 Variations, Accent on Youth, Blithe Spirit, Desire Under the Elms, Exit the King, God of Carnage, Irena's Vow, Joe Turner's Come and Gone, Mary Stewart, The Norman Conquests (X3), The Philanthropist

:-(

overall, despite obnoxious people and anxiety... its been a good year.
goodbye cuse, see ya in JANUARY

in an attempt to focus

I put on the nutcracker, its baiscally the only music i've got without lyrics on itunes... thinking that it wouldn't istract me. But no, it did. I just want t sit and listen. I love the nutcracker.

I should start making a things I love list again, I'm starting to need it. Let's do this not obvious things. Random happy good things.
Okay
1. The Nutcracker.
2. Thunder storms at camp, just lying around.
3. My roommate's noisemaker. Seriously I don't know how I'm going to sleep without "waterfall" when I get home lol I've become addicted.

Now I will attempt to learn chapter one of statistics. Or something. bye. [7:08pm]

Now all of my music is pissing me off an i cant focus I know none of this wtf is wrong with me fml [8:50pm]

ive started using stuff i've learned in acting in like everyday stuff... like math i'm trying to memorize ideas, not words. ugh I'm going to fail fml [11:53pm]

bs

this is such bullshit
I deserve better.
but somehow
i can't stop thinking about it
he is driving me mad.
all i want to do is NOT care.

fucking mixed signals.
or maybe the signals are clear and I'm just denying them.
either way.
fuck him.
figuratively.

sad song?

I miss those crazy kids.
I'm sad I won't be able to go to the mercury lounge. really like, if i was born one year earlier i could be there. but no. blah.

Ten.

My friend made this a facebook note, I would have but I am paranoid and wouldn't want the people who its about to figure it out and I feel like they would so... That's what blogland is for.

10 things I would like to tell 10 people

1. Thank you so much for being there for me recently. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing friend like you who really gets me and doesn't judge me on the things that other people sometimes do. I always feel like I can talk to you and you actually listen. You have no idea just how much that means to me. You are amazing, and I am so glad we've become close. 

2. I will never be able to admit that you are right... but you are. 

3. You have no idea how annoying you are. Seriously, stop. I still love you though. 

4. Why are you fake? If you don't like me, fine. You're not that great, your friendship is not of great loss to me. But then don't give your "omg I love you! we're best friends!" bullshit. like why, where is this getting you? Stop being a fake bitch, you're just going to make enemies because sooner or later they will all be able to see through you. And the sad thing is you think I haven't figured you out yet. 

5. You're gay. Come out already. 

6. I don't know why I deal with you. You treat me like crap and get away with it all the time. And you owe me money, bitch. But I still do. I really wish I could figure out what you think of me, truly. 

7. You're so sweet, your girlfriend is so lucky to have a boyfriend like you. 

8. Trust yourself, let loose, be free. You're doing a great job, keep it up. 

9. I still talk to him. I don't really feel bad about it. But I know that might hurt you. 

10. "Well open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you're free, look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love." 

and a bonus one: You are the coolest person I have ever met but you already know this because you told me to write it. 

blahz...

holy bejesus. 

I'm like shaking.

I didn't sleep.

at all. 

Lame-o.

I'm listening to "I'm Yours" it makes me happy and I never get sick of it. Also it some of the lines pertain SO much to my life right now... In a yearning way though. Like what he saying is articulating exactly what I want, or what I want to say. 

Okay so... 

Today 2:30pm

finish taking mag final (basically i wrote a freaking novel answering the questions bc i wanted to go in depth about everything i knew to overcome what I didn't know and also I just have a LOT to say, but my teacher is being amazing and letting me finish at 2:30pm!!)

Fact Checking - Tomorrow 5:00pm

Need to:

Highlight all the facts

Check them

E-mail article back to editors

(mi madre said she'd help me with that, which is super nice.) 

Monologue - Tomorrow 6:30pm

Need to:

Memorize monologue

Make it "me" or whatever the hell I'm supposed to with it.

Math Test - Tuesday 9:30am

Need to:

Go over notes

Go over review problems

Feature Article on Two Ton Weight - Tuesday 11:00am

Need to:

Go through notes and get important stuff

Write it

Possibly get more quotes

Edit it 

Creative Writing - Tuesday 3:30pm

Read stories

Do Critiques

Print them

Portfolio

* Write an entire short story (crap)

* Print out all the critiques from this semester 

* Do the critique that you forgot to do and put it on black board AND print

* Print out Novel Outline

* Edit Stories

* Print stories

overwhelmed much?

Magazine final - Tomorrow 8:00am

Need to:

Read Chapter 9

Read Chapter 8

Read Chapter 5

Review class notes

Memorize all of that shit

Fact Checking - Tomorrow 5:00pm

Need to:

Highlight all the facts

Check them

E-mail article back to editors

Monologue - Tomorrow 6:30pm

Need to:

Memorize monologue

Make it "me" or whatever the hell I'm supposed to with it.

Math Test - Tuesday 9:30am

Need to:

Go over notes

Go over review problems

Feature Article on Two Ton Weight - Tuesday 11:00am

Need to:

Go through notes and get important stuff

Write it

Possibly get more quotes

Edit it 

Creative Writing - Tuesday 3:30pm

Read stories

Do Critiques

Print them

Portfolio

* Write an entire short story (crap)

* Print out all the critiques from this semester 

* Do the critique that you forgot to do and put it on black board AND print

* Print out Novel Outline

* Edit Stories

* Print stories

then theres the math final monday

__________

Edit 12:14am 

okay 1. I am NOT sleeping, crap. 

2. I realized what my problem is, it's not lack of concentration, its more like lack of motivation, or further in that, my mind just wanders. now I know, that sounds like the same thing as lack of concentration but its not. For instance I am concentrating on this, and i sure as hell concentrate on my drawings, its just that, I have all these interests and my passion directs me. Of course that sounds like a good thing, especially to an artist (and I know that everyone who reads my blog is an artist to some degree, and you can be an artist even if you dont make art, its a way of looking at life, but thats a whole 'nother blog entry) but it can be bad, because it is getting in the way of my school work. 

but like... how bad is that? I made a blog like this a bit ago about what really does matter? Like for instance I'm reading my awful textbook (really i hate it sooo much) and i came across this sentance, "He points out that magazine design matured quickjly, with a short adolescence of les than 50 years..." which i thought was odd / cool since I've never seen adolescence used like that before, so I looked it up..

–noun

1.	the transitional period between puberty and adulthood in human development, extending mainly over the teen years and terminating legally when the age of majority is reached; youth.

2.	the process or state of growing to maturity.

3.	a period or stage of development, as of a society, preceding maturity.

so yeah, i probably could have figured out that it meant 2 or 3 from the context, but i had never heard it like that before so i thought it was cool. So here I am enriching my knowledge and vocab, which is great and dandy, but.... that isnt' helping me pass this fucking final tomorrow. ugh. 

______________

Edit 1:13am

still on chapter fucking 9... i hate this text book sooo much its not even FUNNY. 

and i'm just NOT motivated... like i have too many thoughts that i'd rather think about (is that redundant? or weird?) I jsut want to talk to EVERYONE... oh wait, I am... but i cant be i need to focus. fuck. 

_________

Edit 1:56am

you guessed it, still on chapter 9. this is just so boring, i cant deal with it. And its almost 2 and i know NOTHING. The thing is I obviously I love magazine, it's my major, there are very few jobs in mag i cant see myself doing, (which is why i picked mag as a major, its so broad.) like i can see myself writing, illustrating, graphic designing, running a mag, even copy editing. (yes i love grammar and making things sound good, and not to be immodest, but i'm good at it... and i do it anyway would be nice to get paid for it) but like... i dont care about the hitory of the visuals of a mag... actually that sounds interesting, maybe it would be if this text book idndt suck. like this chapter is called "the coming of age of magazine design" like that just makes you want to roll your eyes. 

oooh yeah, the reason i came back to the blog in the first place was bc of New York magazine. It seems to have a lush and exciting history and it gets lots of praise and apparently its made all these breakthroughs... but i read a copy of it for the first time over spring break and like... its really not that great. maybe it was just that issue, but it doesnt hold a candle to time out new york!

_______

Edit 3:31am

4.5 hours till my test. shit.

On another note:

Chapter 9 √

so it feels good to check SOMETHING off though i must admit i feel kind of pathetic for ONLY getting that much done in these hours. ugh. and still so much more. Can't worry about. On to chapter 8 (yes, I'm working backwards, why, i don't know.)

______

Edit 3:48am

DONE WITH CHAPTER 8!!

i guess chapter 9 was just freakishly long and dense

so yeah

Chapter 8 √

Now on to the chapter 5

omg i almost made a twitter but then thought better of it... glad i didn't cave. 

You know what, i won't do chapter 5... she wasnt clear at all about it and what we had to know plust i'd rather actually learn this other stuff. so... moving right along. 

_____

Edit 4:38am

Chapter 11 study questions completed and in the process of being printed. 

but on a bad note less than 4 hours till this test.

crap i did NOT want to pull an all nighter. 

And i'll probz have to tomorrow night too. dammit. 

______

Edit 4:51am

so 1. there are fucking birds chirping, which means its officially too late to be awake. dammit. 

2. crap i had something really important i wanted to write and i completely forgot it. ugh. OH JK I REMEMBER!

so... I think that spell check is prejudice against people who are dyslexic. Okay, so I'm kidding obviously and like, I'm not dyslexic, i just think faster than I type and I'm also impatient, so sometimes my letters or words get jumbled but spell check never has the right suggestions for those when looking at the mistake it seems obvious. It's kind of annoying really. okay back to work ugh. I'm doing 9 and 10 together and I'm already lost damn....

_______

edit 5:48am

its getting light out. that is horrible. i just want to cry. 

i am miserable. 

i still dont know so much of this.

im going to fail.

and all this bullshit i went through to do well will have been in vain. 

fuck everything. 

jews.

this was a class assignment for newswriting. It was a bitch to cut it down to 300 words but I managed (well, almost, its 301.)

“Ma'oz Tzur Yeshu'ati,” The familiar scene of a family singing these words around a menorah during the Syracuse Stage production of Anne Frank made me yearn for my family and feel connected to my roots.

I never saw my religion as particularly unusual.  Growing up in New York City and attending a school where the student body was never less than 60% Jewish, basically everyone I knew was either Jewish or familiar with the culture.

Syracuse is different. I often receive comments like, “Oh, you’re Jewish? Cool.” Although these statements have no connotations, they make me realize that despite growing up in a culturally diverse city, I’ve been very sheltered.  I’ve also come across much ignorance of Judaism. A friend was unaware that the “Old Testament” is the Jewish Bible. Perhaps it was my naivety, not hers, to assume that this was common knowledge.

Lately, my religion has come up in hordes of conversations and I’ve been exposed to more Jewish jokes than I had before college.

When I told another friend that I was writing a diversity piece on Anne Frank he joshed, “Why? Jews aren’t minorities.” I replied, “Yeah, well there are 6 million less of us than there should be,” referring to the number of Jews killed in the holocaust. His next comment, though not ill intentioned, caught me off guard, “That’s because you guys kept dying.” I don’t hold his insensitivity against him, knowing that he meant no harm, but I found it rather taste-less.  

Seeing Anne Frank in this setting was an awakening for me. I was reintroduced to the extensive and startling history of the Jewish people. Had I been living in Amsterdam during the holocaust, like Anne Frank, the horrors that were conveyed in this play could’ve been my reality. 

more doodlies

this is my favorite. 

I did a hair one, but I don't like it anymore, so maybe I'll redraw it when I have time. 

i hope it works

As Rent gets closer I'm getting more and more excited. Yet I'm worried. What if it doesn't do for me what I need it to. I've always said that Rent's been there for me when I needed it and blah blah blah, but really right now my brain is just one hot mess.

I need something, I need comfort, hopefully this will be a comfort zone to turn to. I mean it's not like I don't have friends, i do, and I have a great family too. But with friends its like one by one they keep disappointing me and trusting the others is becoming increasingly difficult. And some can just be so so sooo selfish. It kills me. Why are people like that? I guess it's hard for me to understand because I'm so not like that. EVERYONE else comes before me. Not to put myself on some kind of moral pedestal here, but its true, I really do care about others first (not to say that I don't care about myself as well.)

I wrote this as a facebook note. I doubt he saw it though. Or if he did I doubt he knew it was about him. Or if he did I doubt he cared. This is a different "he" by the way, i just like being a little vague sometimes.

Loves it.
no really, i just love when people don't give a shit about anyone else.
Seems to be a pattern these days. I can't stand selfishness.
Or bullshitting. Or fakeness. Or any of that crap.

I've said it once and I'll say it again.

People suck.
People really just do.
It's what i've learned and I don't know how to change it.

 I know how petty this all sounds, really, I do. But it bothers me so much, probably a lot more than it should. And you know what else bothers me... when people DONT RESPOND TO TEXT MESSAGES. Just don't even get me started. How hard is it to type, "can't I'm sorry" if you can't (or even if you can but don't want to... not that I condone that but still better than nothing) ugh... I'm just sick of it, sick of feeling left out all the time, sick of being paranoid that everyone hates me, but its hard to be more confident when time and time again people don't pull through.

I drew this:

Okay, so maybe linking everyone to it was a bit of an attempt for attention, but fine. I need it. I need compliments right now. I'll admit it. I need to feel like I'm at least a little bit appreciated somehow, so if it's through art... so be it.

Gosh I just hate people sometimes, so much.

And on that note rent, rent, rent, rent, rent, rent, in 4 days!!!!!

forget regret or life is yours to miss

I've been feeling like utter crap, I'm sure the time of month has something to do with it too. Seriously its so bad, it makes me overly sensitive about things that shouldn't even phase me. But anyway... all I had to do was realize that I'm seeing Rent in 5 days and the biggest smile just took over my face.

i am...

going to put 100 things away.
it is currently 2:27pm
Ready, Set, go!

2:59pm update -
so i picked up a decent amount of stuff, cleaned under my bed, my room still looks like a bit of a disaster area... but okay 100 more items 3:00pm, ready, set, go!

4:49pm
Beer run > cleaing room
woopsies.

...

Melissa inspired me.
It looks like there was a freaking clothes tornado in my room.
I can't clear my mind until I clear my floor, because right now you can't see it.
Is this a veiled form of procrastination on my term papers? Probably. But either way, it needs to get done.

On another note, everything hurts. I don't know what's wrong with me, but really, everything hurts.

blah

So I guess what it all comes down to is that life is about choices, and choices are hard to make. And sometimes we make the wrong choices. Sometimes those wrong choices are innocent ones. We didn't know, we couldn't have known, and therefore, we can't kick ourselves for them. hell... maybe it'll all work out, right? The only thing to do now is accept the choices we've made and move forward from there. Some are worth correcting, some are meant to be left as they are and just move on. word.

Rocky Horror, Raúl Esparza, and Broadway... oh my!

woah?

Holy crap. somehow, someway... that worked.
I posted that blog and just felt encouraged, empowered. Even though I didn't even thing about what I had written, maybe it was just wedged in the back of my head. But I just started writing and I wrote and I wrote (and I thank you dalton for teaching me how to bullshit)

It's like a weight has been lifted.
Damn, that feels good.